mourning.

i am mourning the first loss of someone i really loved at joseph's house. i really miss this lovely, spunky old lady who called me "dearheart" and loved dessert more than anyone i've ever met in my life.

and i am anticipating mourning a second within the week, of my sweet friend who i wrote about dancing in the streets with. he has fought HIV for his entire 23 years of life, and he is about to lose that fight... or maybe to win. honestly, part of him is already gone, and i am mourning that too. he is hallucinating, eating imaginary food, having conversations with no one that i can see. today, he said some things while i was sitting with him that pierced me. as he groped at the air with his hands, he said, "life. i want more life. more life. i want a few more years. just a few more. i'm scared. i'm still scared..." oh, how my heart broke.

i thought it may be appropriate to add to this post a quote that one of my best friends sent me by Nicholas Wolterstorff that i love and i feel fits my heart right now. to add some hope to this seemingly hopeless situation:

"Who then are the mourners? The mourners are those who have caught a glimpse of God's new day, who ache with all their being for that day's coming, and who break out in tears when confronted with its absence. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm of peace there is no one blind, and who ache whenever they see someone unseeing. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm there is no one hungry, and ache whenever they see someone starving. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm there is no one falsely accused, and who ache whenever they see someone improsioned unjustly. They are the ones who realize that in God's realms there is no one who fails to see God, and who ache whenever they see someone unbelieving. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm there is no one who suffers oppression, and who ache whenever they see someone beat down. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm there is no one without dignity, and who ache whenever they see someone treated with indignity. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm of peace there is neither death nor tears, and who ache whenever they see someone crying tears over death. The mourners are aching visionaries...

The Stoics of antiquity said: Be calm. Disengage yourself. Neither laugh nor weep. Jesus says: Be open to the wounds of the world. Mourn humanity's mourning, weep over humanity's wounds, be in agony over humanity's agony. But do so in good cheer that a day of peace is coming."