this summer has felt like one of continually and repeatedly really feeling the pain and sadness of the world, the big Sadness. the way i can describe how i've felt this past week is that my heart and soul feel bruised and like they are just throbbing. i've really been forced to choose where my hope lies - is it in a romantic relationship, which has been broken? is it in financial security for my family, which has been altered by my dad's job situation? is it in things going right, being easy, which little things like a minor car accident and struggling to show grace in relationships throw off? is it in family stability, as my sisters move to another country? is it in physical health and life, as my loves at j-house continue to pass away, as my 49 year old aunt is breathing her last breaths? because if my hope lies in any of those things, i have no hope.
no, i choose to believe and claim Jesus as my hope, choose to believe that love is the most powerful thing in this world, that love will be victorious over brokenness, sadness, heartache. i believe it in my head, but it doesn't change the aching feeling, i suppose. and yet, despite it all, i'm actually really grateful to be feeling it, too. i'm grateful for all the tears, the aching and throbbing, the acute feelings of overwhelming sadness that come and go - because you know what? i'm feeling - i'm not numb, but i'm feeling. and in that, i am so deeply alive, so full of life and connected to the world and to others. and i would rather be alive and connected and feeling sadness than numb and isolated. so i don't write this post for any kind of sympathy or to express some kind of "woe is me" attitude. no. i write it because, just as much as i want to claim the life in the joyful celebratory moments of life, i also want to claim the life in the painful, the sad, the heartbroken moments of life. because it's all a part of being alive, of being human, of being connected, and ultimately, it's all a part of being open to loving and being loved. i want to claim this and remind myself of it each day, not to rush through the sadness but to go into it and see it as a part of my humanity, a part of my healing, a part of my loving. and yes, it would be a lot easier if this really were some kind of awful movie where there's a really happy twist ending, or at least a definite ending, but it's not - it's just life.
so for all the hurting, throbbing hearts out there - my heart throbs with you, throbs over the pain and brokenness of the world and the way i feel it touching my life in a particular way right now, throbs in yearning for the coming of the Kingdom where love, joy, wholeness, and peace are always victorious. but until then, let's just be together in feeling the brokenness and the joy. thank you to those of you who so skillfully and compassionately accompany me in friendship, through pain and joy. i'm truly blessed.
