advent.

i always love advent. i always have loved it - growing up, it was the time of putting electric candles in the window, decorating the house, playing the same cds each year, having the christmas pageant at church (the highlight of which was the year i played joseph! :-) on a more serious, theological note, however, i love how advent is a time of waiting for what has already come to come in all fullness.

the season of advent so captures the reality that we live in each day of the year. in advent, we know that Jesus is already born, but we anticipate his birth all the while. it's the already but not yet fully time. same with the kingdom of God. Jesus tells us that the kingdom of God is at hand, yet it is still to be fully fulfilled. this in-between waiting time can be hard to navigate - how do we live as if the kingdom is fully here, while it is not yet completely present? how do we live as if Jesus is here while we proclaim waiting for him to come again?

i don't have the answers. i'll probably have some more thoughts as the year progresses, especially as i'm being especially inspired right now by a book called "the powers that be" by walter wink and the power of non-violence. and because you all know how much i love having thoughts on things. :-) for now, though, i think these next few weeks leading up to Christmas are a perfect time to think about living more deeply into this tension. how do we live into the kingdom of God which is present and still coming?

here are two kingdom ideas that relate particularly to this time of year that i've appreciated seeing in the last week. no, this time of year has absolutely nothing to do with buying buying buying, contrary to popular belief. i would say it has to do with the opposite - giving giving giving. and not just more of what we already have and don't really need. Jesus came to bring freedom to the oppressed - are we oppressed, are we bound to a view of Christmas that undermines it's true meaning?

does our spending on one more t-shirt perpetuate the oppression of children laboring unfairly in sweat shops? does our consumerism feed bondage, or further liberation? here are some fair trade christmas lists and links.

and what if we gave presence instead of presents? what if we spent a small bit of the billions we spend on gifts to help provide clean drinking water to the world? check out what some churches are doing in response: they call it the advent conspiracy (i love their sub-heading - "christmas can [still] change the world")

i see the ways that i am bound to another kingdom, to a worldly kingdom, to money, to things, instead of living into the liberation that Jesus brought and continues to bring to me and to the world. Lord, have mercy. deliver us from evil. come, o come, emmanuel, God with us. be with us as we strive to live in Your kingdom. forgive us when we fail. forgive us when we celebrate your liberation with bondage. and continue to bring Your kingdom, in spite of us.

the way of Jesus.

love.

the way of Jesus is love.

i believe this so strongly... i believe that the essence of God, as lived out in Jesus, is love. transcending religious right and wrong. transcending cultural right and wrong. loving, knowing, being in relationship, healing, reconciling. only criticizing when it came to religious leaders, who were twisting the words and intentions of God for love into rules and outcasting and discriminating.

i've experienced this so strongly at the bedside at j-house. no matter who this person is, no matter what faith they've held, no matter what crime they've committed, at that moment of death, when the blood stops coursing through their hand, when their chest doesn't rise for that next breath, i feel surrounded in Love. i feel a trust that a God of love is big enough to hold us, to love us, no matter where we've been, what we do. that Love is the ultimate reality, for all of us. this is what i feel and know is true in that moment. Love.

i feel heartbroken over this article and the current struggle in D.C. over the gay marriage bill. i encourage you to read the article to get an understanding of what's going on, if you care to. the catholic church in d.c. runs catholic charities, a huge umbrella social service organization under which lies my field placement agency, which is a substance abuse program on the top floor of a homeless shelter. thousands of homeless people are served by catholic charities through government contracts - the government (D.C. DHS) owns the shelter buildings and pays catholic charities to run them. so... because of the government contracts, if D.C. passes same sex marriage, catholic charities would be required to offer benefits to same-sex spouses (health insurance). and this, they say, is incompatible with their faith.

how often do we, as the church, the "body of Christ," offer hate in the name of Christ? offer judgment in the name of God? how often do we exclude instead of include? how often do we stigmatize instead of love? does Jesus care more about the poor, the sick, the oppressed being cared for and liberated, or more about not giving health benefits to a lesbian spouse of an employee?

i know that there are plenty of ways that i, too, judge and exclude and hate. in the name and service of a God who is love. this is not in any way meant to be a harsh criticism of the catholic church in D.C., or even the church in general. it's a call to myself to follow in the way of Jesus, a way of radical, compassionate, humble, rule-transcending, boundary-crossing, self-sacrificial, non-violent love.

shalom.

today in church, a friend of mine preached a powerful sermon about shalom, a peace and intention for God's kingdom that surpasses merely the absence of war. shalom is unity, compassion, equality, service, justice, love. she spoke too of the culture of domination and oppression that prevails throughout history and our society today. the work of those of us seeking the kingdom of God is to look at ways in which we are a part of this culture of violence, oppression, domination, and the hell that results, and work to bring justice and respect to all people, which in turn brings healing to ourselves. amen, sister!

as i think about the sermon, i think about two different examples of shalom existing in our world today as i've experienced them this week. the first comes from a play called "eclipsed" that i saw on friday evening. this powerful, beautiful, challenging play tells the story of five different women living in a rebel camp in liberia during the last civil war. the glimpses into these women's lives are really heart-wrenching - most are oppressed by male sexual and physical domination, without education, without their own hope for a future or control over even their own bodies. one of the women combats this oppression by taking up a guy and joining the rebel army. she tells a younger girl, this is the only way to keep yourself safe and protected from these men who want to violate you. yet, she is forced to use this gun to bring smaller girls to the generals for the mens' "pleasure." and the system of violence and oppression continues. one of the characters in the play, however, is a "peace woman," part of a large grassroots movement of women in liberia who devoted themselves to working for peace in the midst of this war. outside the scope of the play, these peace women went around the country speaking with rebel leaders, government officials, and the people, promoting peace. when the rebel leaders and government leaders met in ghana for a peace talk, hundreds of these women encircled the building where they were talking, linked arms, and refused to leave until peace was reached. and it worked! the leaders came up with a peace accord, and in 2005, liberia elected a woman president of the country. how powerful the witness of these women are - in the face of violence on all sides, they used non-violence, communication, and the strength of their conviction to affect real change. the play did not end quite so hopefully - the youngest girl is left on stage with a gun in one hand and a book in the other, unsure of which way to pursue. lately, any reference to violence against women gets me worked up, and this play was no exception. the challenge of combating violence with peace still sometimes feels impossible; how can a woman peacefully resist a man who is trying to sexually assault her? yet, these peace women in liberia working towards systemic change brought about greater freedom for all women, not only peace. they are working towards shalom in their country. what an inspiration!

the other example of shalom is at joseph's house this week. in short, multiple law enforcement officers showed up at the house last week to arrest a resident who was clearly on his death bed. the staff showed great compassion and commitment to shalom, to dignity and value for this man, by convincing the officers to go (they camped out in a van across the street watching the house, though!), and they continued to compassionately care for and accompany this man until he died the next morning. imagine if they had let him be taken, if this man would have died en-route to or in prison. i'm working on a paper for one of my classes looking into the incarceration system in this country and the way that punitive attitudes towards offenders leads only to more crime and recidivism rather than to rehabilitation. thank goodness that these co-workers of mine could stand strongly and passionately for compassion and respect for this human being, not seeing him as "criminal" but a man who was dying. how would the world be different if we took away labels and saw each other as human beings, each the beloved of God?

so as i continue to learn about social work, to live in intentional community, to pursue simple living, to invest in my mission group at church, to work at joseph's house, and to pursue deep relationships with others, my prayer is that i can continue to see and promote shalom in my own life and in the world.

p.s. right now, it's a beautiful fall-like evening, the sun is setting in vibrant orange, my windows are open with a lovely breeze, and there's a saxophone playing somewhere down the alley.... recognizing such moments of beauty and celebrating them is part of the pathway to shalom. thanks be to God for this moment.

back to school.

so after two lovely years off from school, i've taken the plunge to revisit the academic world... and to be honest, it's hard! it's hard to get back into all the reading, all the pressure of deadlines, grades, balancing lots of classes and assignments on top of one another. as a full time student, i'm taking 17 credits this semester at catholic, plus two full days a week at my field placement at a catholic charities substance abuse rehab program down in southeast dc, plus working part time at joseph's house, plus living in community once again, plus... LIFE! it's definitely not only an adjustment in terms of my academic state of mind, but also in terms of the pace of my life. my schedule for the past year or so has really been fairly flexible and my time fairly open, and now i'm finding myself writing frantically in my planner to keep track of everything. i trust that as i settle into my new house, my new routine, i will eventually feel a bit more settled and find the bits of time that i need to connect with people and get a bit of rest myself.

despite all the ways in which being in school while my friends are not is really hard, social work school also feels like the right place for me. the national association of social workers define the mission of social work: "to enhance human well-being and help meet the basic human needs of all people, with particular attention to the needs and empowerment of people who are vulnerable, oppressed, and living in poverty." there's a focus on social justice, empowerment, building on strengths, caring for the whole person - physical, emotional, spiritual needs... it feels so me! so much of the way i see the call of the gospel and my part in it meshes right in with what it means to be a professional social worker. joseph's house has given me a context for this work, as well as continues to encourage me that it is possible to be in authentic and empowering and communal relationships in a helping role, and that way of compassion, respect for human dignity, and mutuality is possible. i need to hold onto that in the midst of so much need, so much needed policy change, so many men who relapse instead of continuing in their recovery... that there is hope that the way of love and compassion and justice can and will prevail. i want to continue to see each human being i interact with as the beloved of God, just as i am,not a pathologized problem individual, and not to be a hand reaching down from above but to be empowering from alongside.

thanks be to God for leading me, as i bumble along, continuing to grieve and process and question the events that have taken place in my life in the last six months, for leading me into another place where who i've been created to be can grow and take deeper root in me and in the world.

a throbbing heart.

this summer has felt like one of continually and repeatedly really feeling the pain and sadness of the world, the big Sadness. the way i can describe how i've felt this past week is that my heart and soul feel bruised and like they are just throbbing. i've really been forced to choose where my hope lies - is it in a romantic relationship, which has been broken? is it in financial security for my family, which has been altered by my dad's job situation? is it in things going right, being easy, which little things like a minor car accident and struggling to show grace in relationships throw off? is it in family stability, as my sisters move to another country? is it in physical health and life, as my loves at j-house continue to pass away, as my 49 year old aunt is breathing her last breaths? because if my hope lies in any of those things, i have no hope.

no, i choose to believe and claim Jesus as my hope, choose to believe that love is the most powerful thing in this world, that love will be victorious over brokenness, sadness, heartache. i believe it in my head, but it doesn't change the aching feeling, i suppose. and yet, despite it all, i'm actually really grateful to be feeling it, too. i'm grateful for all the tears, the aching and throbbing, the acute feelings of overwhelming sadness that come and go - because you know what? i'm feeling - i'm not numb, but i'm feeling. and in that, i am so deeply alive, so full of life and connected to the world and to others. and i would rather be alive and connected and feeling sadness than numb and isolated. so i don't write this post for any kind of sympathy or to express some kind of "woe is me" attitude. no. i write it because, just as much as i want to claim the life in the joyful celebratory moments of life, i also want to claim the life in the painful, the sad, the heartbroken moments of life. because it's all a part of being alive, of being human, of being connected, and ultimately, it's all a part of being open to loving and being loved. i want to claim this and remind myself of it each day, not to rush through the sadness but to go into it and see it as a part of my humanity, a part of my healing, a part of my loving. and yes, it would be a lot easier if this really were some kind of awful movie where there's a really happy twist ending, or at least a definite ending, but it's not - it's just life.

so for all the hurting, throbbing hearts out there - my heart throbs with you, throbs over the pain and brokenness of the world and the way i feel it touching my life in a particular way right now, throbs in yearning for the coming of the Kingdom where love, joy, wholeness, and peace are always victorious. but until then, let's just be together in feeling the brokenness and the joy. thank you to those of you who so skillfully and compassionately accompany me in friendship, through pain and joy. i'm truly blessed.

eyes to see.

i've been wanting to write about this for awhile, but of course, life happens. i had a pretty profound experience at joseph's house a few weeks ago now, and ever since i've been thinking about the way i see others. a new woman moved in who was pretty soft spoken, bed bound, in a fair amount of pain, crochety, confused ("don't leave the door open! the lions are just in the hallway!" she chastized me. i love those moments at j-house - "sorry! we don't want the lions to come in here!" i replied as i closed the door. "damn right," she responded with a satisfied nod). i really loved her, but i wasn't quite sure if she loved me, because every time i went in to check on her or speak with her, she'd slowly open her eyes, stare right at me, respond to my question or comment, and then roll her eyes at me before she closed them. i was convinced that i annoyed the heck out of her and was probably her least favorite person - i don't think i've ever received so many eye rolls in my life! so i began acting towards her the way i typically do when i think a person doesn't like me - i began avoiding her, spending as little time as possible doing what needed to be done with her or in her room, and timidly tip-toeing around her bed. i kind of gave up on the relationship being meaningful for either of us, i guess.

thank goodness my sister molly came to visit and spent some time with this beautiful woman. we were in pulling her up in the bed, and i left molly with her for a hot second while i went to get some clean sheets from the closet. apparently, in the time it took me to get clean sheets down the hallway, this woman who i assumed disliked if not disdained me, told molly, "your sister is so great - she's always taking care of me, talking to me. i really love her." when molly told me this in the kitchen later in the evening, i was flabbergasted. she doesn't hate me - she actually likes me? so what is up with the eye rolling? it was then that i realized that medically, she was losing her eyesight, and after asking some of my co-workers, that she rolls her eyes whenever she's trying to close them irregardless of her feelings about the conversation or person she's with. a chronic eye rolling problem! and my assumptions from my own visual observation of her led me categorize her and lose precious time and relationship with her. a couple weeks later, my eye-rolling friend stopped speaking, stopped eating, and, one morning, with her eyes closed, took her last breath. i'm so thankful that my perceptions about her perception of me were corrected, and that i could get past my own discomfort with perceived rejection to see a beautiful person and relationship.

since this experience, i've been thinking about how quickly i go from what my little eyes see to making assumptions about other people - whether it's categorizing them as a type of person as i pass them on the street: homeless drunk, georgetown preppy, hipster heading to tryst, the trendy coffee shop down the street; or whether it's making assumptions about whether, by the way they look, we'd be friends, or enemies, or just ignore each other... how often do i make judgments and assumptions about people based on first glances? and here i am, hating and tyrading against the way women are used, abused, and violated by the cultural definitions and values of physical beauty... i do genuinely want women to be valued and treasured for their strength, their spirits, their inner beauty more than their outer! but i can't claim to be exempt from visual judgments.

so what i want to think each time the visual stimulus of another person travels from my eyes to my brain is: "here is another human being, who is the beloved of God, loved and treasured by their Creator, and put on this earth with a purpose, a call." because i really believe that. so i want to live it. i want to see each person i pass on my bike, sit next to on the metro, meet coming to j-house, as beloved, and i want to find ways to speak that belovedness to them, even if it's just a smile, a wave, openness to a conversation, to a friendship. may my eyes be opened to see the beauty and belovedness in each person around me.

poems.

these are some poems and quotes that i love and have been speaking to me lately. hope you enjoy.

"sweet darkness" by david whyte

you must learn one thing.
the world was made to be free in.
give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.
sometimes it takes darkness and the
sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn
anything or anyone that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.


by walt whitman

this is what you shall do: love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem...


by dawna markova

i will not die an unlived life.
i will not live in fear of falling or catching fire.
i choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid, more accessible;
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.
i choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.


by mary oliver

when death comes, when it's over
i want to say: all my life,
i was a bride married to amazement.
i was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
when it's over, i don't want to wonder
if i have made of my life something particular and real.
i don't want to find myself sighting and frightened,
or full of argument.
i don't want to end up simply
having visited this world.