i must say, i had no idea what i was getting into when i started planning this wedding. i've realized how much weddings in our culture are such an industry, full of marketing ploys and over-consumption and stress! i think as a bride especially you are constantly bombarded with messages that say, "if you don't buy this, if you don't plan this, your wedding will NOT be perfect!" even for someone like me who is trying to be conscious and conscientious about the way we're putting on this wedding, it's hard not to get sucked in. trying to get a caterer that works on social justice, to find a used wedding gown to lessen consumption, to be creative and make decorations and gifts instead of buying everything, these things help me believe in our wedding more, but they also are a lot of work and are still, ultimately, buying into the cultural model of what a wedding is. and maybe the whole trying to be conscientious makes the stress level even higher because it adds another factor of... dunh dunh dunh... guilt!
so i guess what i'm trying to do is keep my focus on what i believe is important. david and i are going to get married, one way or the other, with matching bridesmaids dresses or not-matching, and it's going to be great. we will start our life together with a commitment and a celebration of who we are and who we want to be, and that's what this is - the start of something that will last forever. we want to include as many people that we care about in the ceremony as we can, but that's limited, so we're having a big party the next day, july 18, in algonkian park in virginia, to which everyone we know is invited! and it is also important to me to be able to be present to my friends and community now, in the present moment, to stay grounded here and not always have wedding details zooming through my head. this is such a unique, precious time. and actually, i refuse to live in stress and angst and conflict for the next four and a half months - i reject the notion that a bride must live in this tent of stress and busyness for the months leading up to her wedding. i believe that Jesus came to bring joy and peace and life, and i am claiming that for my life, even in the midst of all this planning.
it's actually been good to be living in joseph's house during all this; it's given me good perspective on what's important, on what matters, to live so close to the edge of life and death. j-house has been hit by the financial crisis like many other non-profits, and it's been amazing to see such a strong, resiliant, caring community make sacrifices to keep this place going, and more than just going, but strong in its care and its mission. it was also really great for me to spend a lot of time with a resident that passed away last weekend who was 28 years old. she was a beautiful young woman with two little kids, and probably because she was so young, i really felt connected to her. sitting with her the day that she died, i had a visceral sense of connection to her and to anticipation of my own death. what will it be like when i die? i actually haven't asked that question very much, surprisingly, even though i've spent so much time with those who are dying. but what will my death be like? will it be painful, long, drawn out? will there be things unfinished, unsaid that will make it hard to let go? will it hurt a lot? will i be alone? will i die first, or will david? i know, it seems a little bit morbid, but it's also just real. i will die someday. i'm not sure if i wrote about this before, but in the book "a year to live," the author talks about how we will die in the same way that we lived. if we live in a way that's peaceful, aware, intentional, and open, we will die in a way that's peaceful, aware, intentional, and open; not to say we won't have pain or suffer. but the way we live our lives now, this is the way we will die. so what is important to me, both in thinking about the wedding planning and thinking about my own death? it's to be in relationship, to be present and open to those around me, to celebrate, laugh, wonder, enjoy, to be honest about how i'm feeling, whether its fear or joy, and to stay grounded in the peace and love of God. may it be so in my life.
