merry christmas.

i know it's a day late, but still - merry christmas.

i am so blessed and my life is so full. i got to spend christmas eve and christmas morning with my beautiful family at joseph's house. we went to a lovely service full of laughs and beauty, followed by a great dinner and some singing together. then a sleepover with some wonderful girls, then a christmas morning full of good food (i made red and green food dyed grits!) and time to just be together. and also, a few games of christmas twister. sweet.

i almost cried walking to the metro to head up to PA to spend the rest of the day with my family. how rich in love am i.

incarnation?

i've been thinking lately about how incredible it is that God decided to become human. i mean, it's really incredible. God took on a body like ours, with hands and feet, hair and lips, and in this body, he felt the immensity of the pain and the joy that we as human beings experience on a real, physical level. it's really amazing. it's also kind of incredible that we have these bodies, these physical sensations, the ability to move, to talk, to hug.

i realize more and more this year that i feel love through physical touch - it's one of my "love languages," i guess, more than i thought it was. i love all the times of snuggling on our dirty old couches with my housemates and laughing, watching movies, talking, singing, or just being quiet together. i love getting in bed with one of my joseph's house loves. i love holding someone's hand or arm to help them up or down the stairs. i felt so incredibly loved and moved the other morning when i walked into my pop's room at j-house. in his usual manner, he said in a coy kind of way, "what you doin' here so early?" "it's 7:30 already, pops!" i answered him, coming over next to his bed. "what you doin' here so early? come over here and gimme a kiss!" i laughed as he puckered up his lips and came over to plop him a big one. then he took my hand as he lay there in bed. "your hands is freezin!" he exclaimed, taking my little white hand in his two big black ones and rubbing, rubbing it to get it warm. "where were you at? how'd your hands get so damn cold?" i laughed again as i told him it was cold outside this morning, and then we just looked at each other while he rubbed my hands. at that moment, i felt so loved and cherished and known that i started to cry a little bit. it was beautiful. it's so incredible that we are able to touch one another, both in body and in spirit, in love.

i also realize how frail our bodies are, mine included. Christ experienced that fragility - both coming as a tiny baby, and dying on the cross. for me, sitting in a room with a person who is dying, or stranger yet perhaps, with a person who has just died, makes me so aware that our bodies will change. they are not guaranteed. they are fragile. this came home to me today. when i came in to sit with my pops this morning, he was feeling pretty weak and tired. i sat down next to his bed and took his hand. then he looked at me, his face pale, breathing heavily, and he said, simply, "i'm dying." "what?" i said. i couldn't quite hear him, or maybe i didn't want to. "i'm dying," he repeated. and i said nothing in return. there was nothing to say. i could only hold his hand and look into his eyes and just strain with my whole being to pour love, so much love, through my hands, through my eyes, and into him.

o God, i don't want to loose my pops. i think that there must be eternal life, but it seems so far from this one, these bodies.

anesthesia machines.

i have a funny story for today.  

i rode with one of the residents to the ER today - my first ride in an ambulance.  it was thrilling.  honestly, it was a disaster through and through - a problem that he's been having with a really high fever, uncontrollable shaking, and complete lack of ability to respond verbally in anyway.  this lasts for about an hour or so, which is terrifying, after which he becomes his normal, hilarious self again, which happened just about when we finally arrived in the ER.  figures.

this little cycle has landed him in the hospital about 4 times already in the past month... and today was number 5.  thankfully, i guess, he wouldn't have it.  and after spending most of the day in the ER, with nurses sticking him and taking his blood, which he is none to happy about, he decided to sign an AMA (Against Medical Advice) form and high-tail it out of there.  and despite the fact that we spent the day in the ER, we actually had a fun time just being together, the two of us.

here comes the funny story... as we sat there, i told him that my dad makes anesthesia machines.  he proceeds to say that it's a good thing he does that, with daughters around, because then if there are any boys hanging around his little girls that he doesn't particularly like, and i quote, "he can just say, 'get your ass over here boy, you're going to sleep for a long time!'"  haha.   this coming from the man who said to me the other day, "a sammich (sandwich) ain't a sammich less it got miracle whip!"  classic one-liners.  

i'm still very much in love with j-house, with my house, with dc, with this year.  through all the hard stuff, all the questions and the searching, my life is so rich.

let it snow.

last sunday in the washington post, there was an article about the new AIDS study released last week by DC. the reporter talks a little bit about my friend josh and joseph's house - check it out if you get a chance.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/11/30/AR2007113001753.html

also, it snowed today. the first snow i've seen down here this year. and it was lovely.

no day but today.

i realize more and more with my time at joseph's house that there truly is no day but today. i have, we have, only this day, this moment. no other time is promised to us or to those we love. we receive so many phone calls from people who expected that they had more time to talk to someone they loved, only to find out that that person has died. there are so many unfulfilled promises, unresolved conflicts, unspoken words of love.

i have this day, this moment, to love.

fall.

well, it's finally fall here in washington dc. and a beautiful fall it is. the trees are gorgeous, the weather is just cool enough for a coat and maybe a scarf. but mostly, i just love the trees and the vibrant colors.

it's so fascinating to think that these leaves are so gorgeous because they are, in fact, dying. once again, a poignant metaphor for my reality here, especially at joseph's house. the beauty that there can be in dying. i've never thought too much about this metaphor in a physical sense. i've pondered in the past the idea of dying to ourselves and coming alive to Christ, and how there is beauty in that idea of death. but it's also kind of amazing to think about physical death, the death of the body. our bodies are incredible things, and to watch someone become aware of the slightest sensation, to treasure every single breath, to be in that far off and sacred place between life and death is kind of incredible. being with someone who is dying at j-house is for me even more beautiful than seeing a gorgeous red or golden tree in the fall. and at the same time, with both comes the nagging thought of the imminence of winter, of the barren and the cold. and in the midst of the beauty, there is a deep sense of loss and mourning. and the many, many tears i cry are for both: for the vibrant glory of life and the barren emptiness of death, for the beauty that aches.

i pray that i would continue to have eyes to see the beauty around me and to have a heart that continues to love to its fullest extent even when winter seems to be pressing in all around.

prayer request.

please pray for my housemate chris and his mother, rebecca. rebecca was hit by a car on sunday and is still in the intensive care unit in the hospital. she has a broken pelvis and will have a hip replacement soon, as well as some swelling and bleeding in the brain. please pray for a complete recovery and for peace for her and her family.

thank you, friends.

beautiful moments.

lately, my blog has been kind of heavy. and that's because a lot of what i'm experiencing lately is heavy. but my life has also been full of really beautiful moments lately, as always. and i'd like to share some of them with you.

.:taking a bike ride with one of my roommates down by rock creek park last weekend in the late afternoon sun and laying under a beautiful red tree in the leaves and talking about life.

.:seeing the stars and venus and the beautiful moon on my 6:30 am walk to work, and being in awe.

.:going trick-er-treating with my little cousins last night and hearing one of them giggle uncontrollably and say loudly, "happy halloween, everybody!"

.:carving a pumpkin with my roommates on monday night and listening to "thriller" and all the villain songs from random disney movies. and dancing. :-)

.:getting and bragging to everyone about a manicure yesterday in honor of halloween from one of the j-house loves and coming away with beautiful orange nails with black stripes to celebrate the day. just to celebrate life, really, too.

.:sitting on the couch late last night with one of my housemates and just talking and listening about our jobs and kids and death and life.

.:getting in bed with one of my loves at joseph's house during my saturday shift last weekend and snuggling while we "watched" some of "psycho" and had pillow talk.

.:seeing the sunset this morning, all pink and streaky and gorgeous (finding beauty even in 7 AM shifts!).


.:my life is full of beauty and love. i am so blessed:.

goodbye.

i sat with my friend as he died today.

and even though he's usually cold, he was warm and i was cold. and his hand kept mine warm until the moment he died.

just like his life kept mine warm.

i miss him. my heart hurts today.

mourning.

i am mourning the first loss of someone i really loved at joseph's house. i really miss this lovely, spunky old lady who called me "dearheart" and loved dessert more than anyone i've ever met in my life.

and i am anticipating mourning a second within the week, of my sweet friend who i wrote about dancing in the streets with. he has fought HIV for his entire 23 years of life, and he is about to lose that fight... or maybe to win. honestly, part of him is already gone, and i am mourning that too. he is hallucinating, eating imaginary food, having conversations with no one that i can see. today, he said some things while i was sitting with him that pierced me. as he groped at the air with his hands, he said, "life. i want more life. more life. i want a few more years. just a few more. i'm scared. i'm still scared..." oh, how my heart broke.

i thought it may be appropriate to add to this post a quote that one of my best friends sent me by Nicholas Wolterstorff that i love and i feel fits my heart right now. to add some hope to this seemingly hopeless situation:

"Who then are the mourners? The mourners are those who have caught a glimpse of God's new day, who ache with all their being for that day's coming, and who break out in tears when confronted with its absence. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm of peace there is no one blind, and who ache whenever they see someone unseeing. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm there is no one hungry, and ache whenever they see someone starving. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm there is no one falsely accused, and who ache whenever they see someone improsioned unjustly. They are the ones who realize that in God's realms there is no one who fails to see God, and who ache whenever they see someone unbelieving. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm there is no one who suffers oppression, and who ache whenever they see someone beat down. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm there is no one without dignity, and who ache whenever they see someone treated with indignity. They are the ones who realize that in God's realm of peace there is neither death nor tears, and who ache whenever they see someone crying tears over death. The mourners are aching visionaries...

The Stoics of antiquity said: Be calm. Disengage yourself. Neither laugh nor weep. Jesus says: Be open to the wounds of the world. Mourn humanity's mourning, weep over humanity's wounds, be in agony over humanity's agony. But do so in good cheer that a day of peace is coming."

love.

love is unity.

i was thinking about love the other day, and i suddenly realized that this is what i think love is essentially, at it's core.

the love between friends is the deepest when your knowledge of one another is so deep that you know the other's thoughts, feelings, dreams, passions, and when you become unified in purpose somehow with them, putting their needs before your own. not that we become the same as our friends, but that we become unified with them in a deeper way of mutually understanding and serving.

the love between a husband and wife is partially expressed in unity of body, but also in unity of life. love in marriage is life together, is becoming for one another and one another's needs in a way that brings you deeper together. (at least, i could imagine. :-)

and the love of God. God's love is a beautiful expression of unity. His love led him to become unified with us, to become a human being, to experience oneness of humanity with us, his beloved, in Christ. and because of Christ, we are extended the opportunity to embrace unity with God, to participate in God's life through Christ and the Holy Spirit. to live through and by and for God. and what more profound expression of love and unity than the Trinity, God three in one?

we read in 1 John that God is love. He is our perfect example of unity, both in His being, unified three in one, and in His acting to unite us to Himself in love.

i desire to love more deeply, to listen more fully, to serve more selflessly, and to allow God to work through me more wholly.

stupid system.

racism is still rampantly raging in our society.

i've been hearing stories lately from some of the residents about time they spent in jail. one of the residents, who has an amazingly similar likeness to my poppop miller, was telling me the other day how he was once in a town he didn't know for a job and he was trying to find the metro station. so, like any practical person would do, he was asking people he passed on the street where the metro was. no one could (or chose to) help him. and after about 10 minutes, a policeman came up and told him that he was arresting him for panhandling. even though my resident pops protested and told him he was looking for the metro, he didn't care. he was put on probation, but didn't follow it because he needed to travel for his job. next thing he knew, he spent three months in jail. now, if i were lost in that town and asking for directions, there's no way a policeman would arrest me for panhandling. because i'm white, and he's black.

today, though, i experienced racism and the impossibility of the structures that our society has put in place for poor men and women. argh, i'm still so mad. two of the residents and i went to a social security office because they had either lost or had their social security cards taken from them in the hospital. we waited for about 2 hours before they were given the chance to be seen, and even then, i think it was the fact that i was the only white person in the room and i was with them as their "social worker" or something that they were taken back. both of them filled out all the paperwork and had the only id cards that they possessed with them. and both were denied. straight up denied. and not even told what they needed to get to get their cards, just "some other form of id."

i'm seriously mad about this. it is an endless circle of being trapped for them, and unless they have someone to push and push until that circle can be broken, they just keep going round and round in the endless cycle of poverty. one of the residents is trying to get a copy of his birth certificate, which he can't get until he has his social security card, which he can't get without government issued id or driver's license, which he can't get until he has his birth certificate... and on and on. he has his food stamps photo id card and his medicaid card, but no, those aren't good enough. he even knows his social security number, and the record is still there. but they send him away, rudely, coldly, without much of a care. one more rejected application for the paper shredder. it ticks me off. i know that there are processes for reasons, that they can't just go handing anything out to anyone. but the bureaucracy of it all is so incredibly difficult to penetrate. and he's at least still trying. but how long can you try, can you fight, can you run up against brick walls without giving up? poverty is systemic. think about that next time you see a homeless man on the street or a woman at a soup kitchen. i sure need to.

after all that shinanigans, we went to mcdonalds for lunch. but even with the promise of all that deliciously greasy food, my pops only wanted a milkshake. "i'm too upset to eat," he said. dehumanizing jerks. how dare they rob my pops of his joy?

i'm going to keep fighting.

disconnect.

i've been feeling pretty disconnected lately from my friends, family, and basically the world that is outside of dc. i know that there are many factors contributing to this : time spent talking with people or the lack thereof, being tired from working different shifts, being unable to express myself clearly to others. but i also think that part of this feeling stems from the reality that what i'm experiencing here is really different and foreign and hard to understand for anyone who is not here. i mean, even with my own housemates here in dc who have been to j-house and who i see every day i sometimes have trouble connecting with. it's kind of tricky to sit down at the dinner table to hear about everyone's days, to hear about office drama and misbehaving kids and then to have me say, "well, it was an ok day today, someone died today." that's just so outside the realm of normal and comfortable for most of us. and sometimes, when i am in such a deep place all day at work, living in that really sacred place between life and death and trying to understand more of both, coming home and watching tv or going out for drinks seems kind of shallow and insignificant.

all that to say, i'm sorry if i've seemed distant to any of you. i really want to continue to work on bridging this gap that i feel between everything i've experienced in life so far and my time here in dc. i want to share honestly and openly, and i want to hear about what's important to others too without passing judgment or feeling unable to connect. because i know that God is present in all places.

thank you for your prayers.

art and life.

i am really enjoying living in the city. there is always something fun and exciting to do, and often, it's free! perfect for us kids living on a fairly small stipend. we spent this weekend going to open mic nights, street dance improv performances, latino street festivals, and other such fun things. last night, we went to this dance workshop/workout at the Y nearby, and we got to dance with slater from saved by the bell! it was sweet. :-) we also got lots of free snack food, which i'm not sure how it all related, but anyhow, it was a good adventure.

i was thinking about art and life this weekend, going to open mic night at the potter's house, a local coffee shop/bookstore/cafe. there were lots of different performers, some who were really great, some who were not in the technical sense very good musicians or poets. but it was so great that all different people, all different races and economic classes, from white middle class to someone off the street, participated in this expression of something deeper. it was really beautiful, not even the art itself so much as the act of expressing it together and witnessing each other's lives really, affirming one another, even when we aren't actually all that great at the art itself. but we're alive, and each of us possess that desire to create, the image of the Creator on us. and how great it is just to celebrate being alive together.

the improv dance on the street also made me think about how art is and should be intertwined into life. these two girls were just doing modern dance on the sidewalk, in the cross walk, on opposite sides of the street and then back together. it was actually more entertaining to watch peoples' reactions to these girls. there's the tendancy to ignore, or feel uncomfortable, or avoid art in the midst of us, free, real expression. why does it seem so weird to dance in the street? (i guess this relates to my former post.)

anyhow, this is more pondering than any conclusions. but i want to strive to appreciate art and artists regardless of their supposed "talent" level. and i want to see art and life as intertwined, see freedom to express myself and do it, regardless of what the people around me think.

young and idealistic?

i relearned today that washington dc has the highest HIV prevalence rate in all the U.S. - 1 in 20 people in the district are HIV positive, and in the poorer areas, the rate is similiar to subsaharan africa. um, is that insane? do people realize this? and why aren't we doing something about it? it's much easier and more comfortable to talk about sending aid to AIDS orphans in africa than to look in our own towns and see the awfulness of the disease here. joseph's house can really only meet such a tiny portion of the gigantic need. it's pretty overwhelming.

anyhow. i'd like responses to the rest of this post, if you have any.

i don't want anyone to think that i'm "giving up a year to serve." i don't want to just be young and idealistic. no. this is how i want my life to be. lived in community, lived among the poor, not full of stuff or money, not isolated by race or economic class. this, to me, seems real. Christ came to proclaim good news to the poor, freedom for the captives, healing and hope, not just spiritually but physically as well. i feel the same call on my life. i mean, if what i do to the least of these i truly am doing to Christ, then how can i say i love my savior and not even be present to the least of these?

it is really sad for me to think that i will somehow lose this, that it is just being young and idealistic that somehow i can change the world, and once i get older and maybe start a family, it will fade away. (as i write this, i seem to hear a certain former career counselor in my head... yikes!) this, what i'm doing and seeing and living this year, is how i see the calling of Christ to live in this world. and whether i continue to do what i'm doing at joseph's house, or if i go back to zambia, or something else completely different, i don't want ever to go back to the content ignorance in which i used to live, not really knowing about the suffering around me and not really caring to know, being comfortably surrounded by people who are just like me. this is a call i feel on my life - Christ calls each of us to a different way of service to Him, and i don't want to produce guilt in anyone else. so please, don't feel guilty or accused if you're reading this and feel differently.

but to me, this is real and true. not just now, but for my whole life, if i claim to truly follow Christ with abandon.

but is it even possible? yes, i dare to hope now, but i also worry that the world and my own selfishness are too strong...

i want to let you take the lead.

i continue to absolutely love my place here. my house, my job, my friends, my God... i am so grateful.

today was a particularly beautiful day, both the weather and the time at "work," if i can even call it that. it was the first day of fall, but warm enough to still be august. the sky was blue, the breeze was light... mmmmm. but more beautiful was seeing my dear friends again today. oh, i love some of them so much. and i think it's ok that i feel love for some more than others, as long as i am actively loving all of them the same. but today was lovely for me and one young man in particular. this lovely young man, about my age, is probably the sickest he's ever been in his whole life of fighting the AIDS which began attacking his body at birth. and he is honest about being depressed, scared, in pain. but today was a good day. he greeted me this morning as i walked in the door with a grin and said, "ready to make banana pancakes?" we made breakfast together for the house, which was lots of fun. then, after doing some cleaning and checking on the other residents, i just sat with him while he was cuddled up in bed, feeling so cold with about 5 blankets on, a fleece, a heating pad on his back, and a winter hat. i just wanted to make him warm, but all i could offer him was my comparably cold hand. he took it though, and we sat like that for quite awhile. that was a beautiful time. later on, i brought him his many pills with his beverage of choice: chilled bananas and cream ensure. he bravely downed all the pills followed by the whole can of ensure, and we sat on the edge of his bed and laughed at his grumbly stomach. soon before i left, he told me he felt ready to take a walk around the block today. so he and one other resident and i took off around the block. we walked slowly with lots of breaks to rest, and it took us about an hour to finish the trip. about in the middle of the block, though, on busy columbia road, we were resting in the shade of a payless shoe store. a store nearby was playing some latin music, and my friend started dancing. then, before i knew it, he pulled me up to dance with him, and we were dancing in the middle of the sidewalk, just dancing.

here is the part that i felt i learned from today, that was kind of metaphoric. at one time, my quite talented dancing partner turned so that our hands were twisted. i assumed i would then need to twist out, so i did so. but in doing so, our hands broke apart, and i realized that this was not in the choreographer's plan. so we started again from the beginning, and this time, when our hands were twisted, i waited until he spun me out, and we never lost contact. that was perhaps the best dance of my life. and in that moment, i realized that i want to let him and all the residents take the lead this year. and sometimes, it's ok to be tangled up and to feel uncertain as to how to get out. but it's important that i don't try to pull away or twist out and in doing so, lose that hand gripped onto mine. i need to just wait until they are ready to twist me out, to let me go, or to keep me close. i want to be able to wait, to sit through awkward silences or hard questions, tears or pain, and not let go of their hands. even when i don't know, and i feel tangled up, i want to let them be my teachers, let them lead me. and in that, there is beauty, beauty that i've seen so much of so far in this place.

so thank you to my dance partner today, who wasn't afraid or ashamed to dance in the middle of a busy street, who wanted me to let him lead me, who shared with me laughter and smiles and holding of hands and joy that blesses me beyond measure.

will i?

this song from the musical "rent" is stuck in my head and in my heart. it was made into a movie a year or two ago, and it's full of hard things to watch, but perhaps worthwhile if you can get through it. this song, "will i?" is sung by a group of people who are in a support group for those with and affected by AIDS in the movie, and, well, here it is.

will i lose my dignity?

will someone care?

will i wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

it's just repeated over and over, in a round, and it's beautiful and haunting and makes me want to cry. because i know that so many of those at joseph's house feel this way, and i want to just answer that suffering and pain and say no, you will not lose your dignity. yes, i will care. and i don't know if you'll wake tomorrow or not. but nightmare or not, i want to be there with you.

i went to a conference this weekend on caring for those who are dying, and the speaker gave these definitions for love and compassion:

love is to trust in the inherent loveliness of another person and to speak that loveliness to them.

compassion is snuggling up close next to pain and refusing to leave, waiting for something true to be revealed.

may it be so in my life.

six years later

tonight, i watched "the ground truth" with my housemates. it's a documentary made about the war in iraq, with mostly interviews from soldiers who have gone to iraq, returned, and turned against the war. the images and stories were sad and horrifying, and the wounds that these men and women live with, not just physical but emotional, are painful even to hear about.

who would have thought we'd be where we are today six years ago? i don't pretend to be incredibly informed about the situation, but i do have one thought that i can't escape. in the movie, one soldier who was dealing with post traumatic stress disorder found himself in jail after a violent interaction with some policemen. he said that his wake-up call was finding himself sitting in jail with a bunch of "dirtbags." now, i know this wasn't a point of the movie at all, but to me, this is poignant:

we need to start viewing each other as human beings with dignity and deserving of respect. how can we hope that a soldier would respect the people of iraq when he doesn't even have any respect for his fellow americans in prison? we need respect and love! whether it's the businessman or the homeless man i pass on the street, both are worthy of the same respect and care. whether it's a dear woman at my work or a child in africa, both dying of AIDS, both are precious and worthy of care, love, and concern. whether it's my fellow americans who are losing their lives in iraq, or it's the iraqi soldiers losing their lives, both lives are costly losses. all human life is valuable. the pro-life conversation needs to get beyond abortion and extend to the death penalty, to treatment of illegal aliens, to war and conflict.

and particularly as christians, we, myself included, need a wake-up call. when Jesus told us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us, have we listened? how can retaliating in violence ever be love? how can we love the iraqi people when we're killing them? how can we love the terrorists? gosh, i know that's radical, but that's what Jesus call is - a radical call to a counter-cultural life. so are we, our comfortable, patriotic, american christian selves, are we following our radical Savior? if not, we (i!) need to reexamine if we're serving a man-made version of god, or the true and living God as seen in the life of Jesus.


p.s. an interesting twist on the plight of some 9/11 rescue workers can be seen in michael moore's newest movie, "sicko." i would recommend checking it out; it's an interesting watch and not too political. :-) am i turning into a liberal hippie?? :-) perhaps... i'd love your thoughts, too!

sorry for the stream of consciousness and incredibly long posting... i'll try to get better. :-)

precious pedicures.

so, i have now completed three days at my new "job". my first day was incredibly overwhelming, as joseph's house was swamped with people, full of hustle and bustle, and i felt insecure, unhelpful, and overall, in the way. there was a memorial service held for one of the residents who passed away last week, and it was a pretty intense way to start the job, i guess. but since then, it has been incredible.

so, a typical day for me? so far, it seems to be as follows: i arrive around 9 for a nice hot breakfast with the other staff and residents who are able to come to the table. after eating, we take breakfast to those in the house who are bed-bound. some of them who are very sick, we feed them; others can feed themselves. i've gotten to feed several of the ladies breakfast the past two days, and i love that. then, i probably do some dishes and some loads of laundry, maybe wash a floor or something. then, we may have a staff meeting which is full of reflection and sharing time, both about ourselves and the residents, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. i'll have a conversation with one of the men who is my spanish "profesor," trying to help me brush up my awful high school spanish with his limited english. then we'll eat lunch and bring lunch and meds to those in the house. after that, i may help give bed baths and change sheets, clothes, and diapers for those who are unable to get up. with so much tenderness, we rotate the patients in bed every few hours so that they don't develop bed sores from lost circulation. today, i got to gave one of the ladies a pedicure and manicure, complete with salve massage, and we both loved that. gosh, those moments are precious! and to be able to serve her in that way and just tell her she's so beautiful, and see her smile... it's incredible. then i sat with another lady who will probably die either today or tomorrow. i just sat with her. there was nothing i could say, other than "hi, it's katy, and i'm just going to sit with you. can i wet your lips or wipe your face?" and do those things for her warning her before hand because she is blind. then i just sit, holding her hand, stroking her hair. she can't move or talk; her breathing is a labor in itself. but i love sitting with her and trying to love on her with my hands, my thoughts, my prayers. seeing our common humanity, reflecting on her life that i know so little about, asking for peace and comfort for her and her family. it's actually beautiful, sitting there with her.

so, i am loving it. loving it so much. sorry that i can't say names because of confidentiality, but these people are already becoming precious to me. i know it will be hard losing so many of them this year. but i feel so blessed to be there. i told my dying friend today that it was such a gift, a present to me to be able to just sit there with her. how am i so blessed, to be able to share in those sacred moments with her?

nu thang.

i thought it appropriate, after bustin' some moves to an incredibly old dc talk album with this title (on cassette tape - amazing!) the other day, that i title this post "nu thang." God is doing a new thing here, both in me and in this community, and it is so exciting.

my time down here in dc has been very full so far, but full of great things. i love this house and those 6 others who are sharing it with me. we are all so different, with different experiences and thoughts, but open to this year. and i think that is the most important thing - our openness to be changed, by each other, by this church, by our jobs, by being in this place. i love the church of the savior. i love their authenticity, their real desire to do church and be the body, both for each other and for the least of these.

so this year is about discipleship. for most of my life, i thought of discipleship as praying, reading my bible, going to church, living a life that is obedient to scripture. but now i see that it is so much more than that. to be a disciple of Jesus is to walk where He walked. yes, staying close to him through traditional spiritual disciplines is so important. but if i'm not going where Jesus went, to the people he went to, and acting as he did, then my discipleship in incomplete. so i am so excited to do just that this year. to stretch myself, to walk where Jesus walked, to be with the poor and the oppressed, and to be with them. not just to do. we've talked a lot about doing and knowing versus just being. it's great to do and to know, but at the most basic level, we must just be. be with people. so that is my hope and prayer this year. to be with others, in my house, in this church. to be with my brothers and sisters with different skin colors. to be with those with AIDS. to be with those who are dying. to be with those people that i so often have just walked by on the street and tried to avoid looking into their eyes, tried to avoid the fact that they are being, too. to be with people who are different from me in hopes of seeing Jesus there. and i know that i will.

numero uno

so, after i received the suggestion by several, i thought that i should maybe try out this thing known as blogging so i can share my thoughts and prayers with those of you who i am far away from. especially as i move to a new place, with new people and new ideas, it may be nice to have a place where you can read about some of that. so read if you'd like, comment if you like. i pray that this will not just become another place for me to rant or vent, but that it, with my life, would honor Him.