i want to let you take the lead.

i continue to absolutely love my place here. my house, my job, my friends, my God... i am so grateful.

today was a particularly beautiful day, both the weather and the time at "work," if i can even call it that. it was the first day of fall, but warm enough to still be august. the sky was blue, the breeze was light... mmmmm. but more beautiful was seeing my dear friends again today. oh, i love some of them so much. and i think it's ok that i feel love for some more than others, as long as i am actively loving all of them the same. but today was lovely for me and one young man in particular. this lovely young man, about my age, is probably the sickest he's ever been in his whole life of fighting the AIDS which began attacking his body at birth. and he is honest about being depressed, scared, in pain. but today was a good day. he greeted me this morning as i walked in the door with a grin and said, "ready to make banana pancakes?" we made breakfast together for the house, which was lots of fun. then, after doing some cleaning and checking on the other residents, i just sat with him while he was cuddled up in bed, feeling so cold with about 5 blankets on, a fleece, a heating pad on his back, and a winter hat. i just wanted to make him warm, but all i could offer him was my comparably cold hand. he took it though, and we sat like that for quite awhile. that was a beautiful time. later on, i brought him his many pills with his beverage of choice: chilled bananas and cream ensure. he bravely downed all the pills followed by the whole can of ensure, and we sat on the edge of his bed and laughed at his grumbly stomach. soon before i left, he told me he felt ready to take a walk around the block today. so he and one other resident and i took off around the block. we walked slowly with lots of breaks to rest, and it took us about an hour to finish the trip. about in the middle of the block, though, on busy columbia road, we were resting in the shade of a payless shoe store. a store nearby was playing some latin music, and my friend started dancing. then, before i knew it, he pulled me up to dance with him, and we were dancing in the middle of the sidewalk, just dancing.

here is the part that i felt i learned from today, that was kind of metaphoric. at one time, my quite talented dancing partner turned so that our hands were twisted. i assumed i would then need to twist out, so i did so. but in doing so, our hands broke apart, and i realized that this was not in the choreographer's plan. so we started again from the beginning, and this time, when our hands were twisted, i waited until he spun me out, and we never lost contact. that was perhaps the best dance of my life. and in that moment, i realized that i want to let him and all the residents take the lead this year. and sometimes, it's ok to be tangled up and to feel uncertain as to how to get out. but it's important that i don't try to pull away or twist out and in doing so, lose that hand gripped onto mine. i need to just wait until they are ready to twist me out, to let me go, or to keep me close. i want to be able to wait, to sit through awkward silences or hard questions, tears or pain, and not let go of their hands. even when i don't know, and i feel tangled up, i want to let them be my teachers, let them lead me. and in that, there is beauty, beauty that i've seen so much of so far in this place.

so thank you to my dance partner today, who wasn't afraid or ashamed to dance in the middle of a busy street, who wanted me to let him lead me, who shared with me laughter and smiles and holding of hands and joy that blesses me beyond measure.