it's not about me.

i am incredibly blessed to be living in the j-house. what an incredible struggle and an incredible gift this year will be! i do miss my dy family, but it helps that many of them are still around, and i am grateful for this chance to invest more completely in my family here at the house.

i had a pretty frustrating morning yesterday. one of the residents who has been around for a long time and is really loved and huge to the house is dying. he is getting more and more confused and sick, but he is fighting to the end. yesterday before breakfast, he told me he really wanted some macaroni and cheese. so along with making the usual extravagant breakfast of eggs, bacon, grits, oatmeal, toast, potatoes, fruit, etc etc... :-) i made a batch of macaroni and cheese from scratch with the help of one of the nurses here. i felt pretty glad to be able to make him what he wanted from scratch, not to question the oddness of wanting mac and cheese for breakfast but just to do it. i love that about joseph's house - following whims, giving as much and whatever we can to provide comfort and show love.

but as i brought the mac and cheese to him as he sat on the couch, he took one look and proceeded to tell me that i was a lousy cook, that i have a lot to learn, that the mac and cheese was lumpy and awful... and in that moment, i was really frustrated! i didn't want to love him, i didn't want to be compassionate or gentle, i was mad for being unappreciated and criticized. so i went and cleaned some bathrooms... good coping mechanism i guess. :-) and as i was scrubbing the toilet, i realized that the mac and cheese episode had nothing to do with me, with me being a bad cook, with me not being able to meet needs. my friend is dying! he is reaching for control, he is struggling on the edge of life and death, he is scared, he has toxins from his failing liver invading his brain and affecting his personality and confusing his thoughts... this is yet again another opportunity to look beyond myself and to continue to extend love, grace, and compassion to a dear friend who i do love who is dying. and how many times to things that hurt me in relationships actually have nothing to do with me, but with a deeper pain that my friend is feeling? i desire to have eyes to see through my own sensitivity to the pain that others are acting out of.

this idea that it's not about me has been a big one for me lately. yes, i need my own needs met, and i need to be cared for, and i'm grateful for a place like j-house that promotes self-reflection and for dear friends here and outside the house who care for me and love me. but, as much as i want to continue to live a self-reflective, introspective life, i also want to live a life where i can look beyond myself and with wild abandon give my life away. Jesus talks so much about this - those who lose their lives for My sake will find it, take up your cross and follow Me, the one who wants to be great must be a servant of all... i want to continue to follow Christ, to follow His way of love and peace and sacrifice and healing and giving life, not just live for myself and my own ego. and ultimately, i don't want my life to be about me, but about how who i am and what i do fits into a bigger picture of God's love, salvation, and redemption of the world. may it be so in my life.

remember.

this week, we had a memorial service to honor all those who have passed away at j-house in this past year. this has been such a week of closure and remembering - the residents of j-house, the year with my dy community, and the year with my j-house community. it's been sad and joyful to reflect over this past year - it's been an incredible year. anyhow, i wrote a poem prayer for our service which i thought i'd share.


We remember.
We do not ask, God, that the void be filled
For in the aching, in the yearning, in the grieving, in the emptiness,
We remember.
Faces. Laughter. Tears. Voices. Silence. Friendship. Hands. Love.
So we ask instead, God, to remember.
We ask for memories
That they would be our joy.
To remind us that our lives are full of moments of beauty and love. And to look for those moments.
We ask for learning
That they would be our teachers.
To remind us of how much we have learned from those whose lives have brushed against our own. And how much we have yet to learn.
We ask for hope
That they would inspire us.
To remind us that there is beauty in ashes, joy in pain, life in death.
We ask for a chance to live more fully and deeply into who we are
Remembering the blessing of each day. Each moment. Each breath.
In. Out.
And we are alive!
So as we remember
These Faces. Laughter. Tears. Voices. Silence. Friendship. Hands. Love.
We ask that our hearts will always quiver, even the slightest bit,
For those who have flown away to freedom.
And that out of death, into death, we would each have the courage to choose life.
Today. In this moment.
In. Out.
May we remember.
Amen.