with abandon.

i've been thinking about how this year at j-house has been so radically different thus far from last year. last year was full of so much learning about death and dying and about poverty. i'm still learning lots about both of those things, but it seems to me that this year is more about learning who i am and how to live with others, facing my own humanity and theirs. part of this comes from the nature of j-house right now; the house is almost full, but everyone in the house is fairly independent and no one needs bedside care. it can be incredibly joyful to live in community with one another with so many people feeling well - we had a great time celebrating halloween by decorating the house as oz and dressing up as different characters from the movie (i was dorothy, complete with ruby slippers and toto!); there are so many joyful moments gathered around the table sharing a meal together. but having so many healthier people in the house also makes things harder sometimes - there's more chance for fighting, for drama, for someone to slip back into feeding addictions, for stealing, for suspicion... it's hard to live together sometimes! and so, right now, i am amazed at how i am learning to see my family who lives here with me, to really see them, as human like me. i can't just "other" him and her as someone who is poor, or black, or HIV+, or sick, or any other label i'd like to give them that makes me different from them. no, we are the same. we are brothers and sisters, family, human beings interacting with one another and trying to care for each other in this crazy world. and it's often messy and imperfect and hard. but as pastor jim said last week in his sermon, love isn't love unless there is some risk involved. surely God risked it all in giving us Jesus, and i want to learn how to risk my all, how to live with abandon, in trust and faith that God is a merciful, loving God who will take care of me. in the midst of all this humanity, all these relationships, i want to learn how to live without clutching so tightly to my own things, my own desires, my own needs, and to live more and more fully in God so that i can be poured out for others. i don't know exactly what this looks like, but i am grateful for God's mercy and presence with me on this journey, as well as for the incredible community i have surrounding me and supporting me. and i am grateful for this year, this gift of time and space to really learn about who i am at my deepest core, what makes me feel most alive, and to explore what it means to live out of that place, trusting God as my creator to use me as i am made to be. to live with abandon.