i have experienced pain this year. pain of falling in love with those at joseph's house only to lose them. pain of feeling unsettled and ungrounded by questions that have pierced down deep into my very core. pain of being rejected in a relationship where i felt i had given so much of myself. pain of feeling distance from those i love who find it difficult to understand what i am doing and how i am being.
and yet, despite this pain, i want to and need to keep my heart and my mind open. please understand me - this does not mean that i do not believe in truth. i believe and hold on deeply to the truth that Jesus is God and has come to show us the way to love and be loved, to usher in a new way of being that brings wholeness and reconciliation between us as human beings together and between us and God. but i also feel so strongly that i want and need to come to the world with a posture of openness - i picture myself sitting cross legged with my hands on my legs, palms out and up, arms outstretched, looking up and out. i want to ask questions. i want to be curious. i want to hear different views, to hear different people, not just to prove to them that i am right and they are wrong. i want to really hear them. i want to be open to knowing, to being in different ways, to see God in new and different places, to being shaped and molded. i think that sometimes, conservative christians believe that they have to cling so tightly to a very narrow truth that they end up going on the offensive against anyone who comes down outside of this narrow truth, wounding others and themselves in the process. i have been there for much of my life. but if we believe in a God who is infinite, a God who will forever be mystery to us, then why is it so hard to embrace mystery, to embrace unknowing or contradictions or new possibilities? i know this can be taken too far, but i also know that clinging so tightly to my own version of what is truth can steal from me beautiful relationships and richness of life. and so i ask questions, i look further and deeper, and i don't claim many answers. i'm sorry if my openness to the world, to knowing and questioning and just being without answers is threatening to anyone that i love. but this is where i feel called to be. with open ears, open mind, open heart, trusting that God is big enough to keep me in His love and truth.
1 comment:
Katy,
I read your post from May 18th(I think)and you pulled at my heart. I thought about emailing you directly since I do not usually reply to blogs. I felt that I understood your desire to be open. To understand others' points of view, to learn from them, to see with new eyes of the heart; I think I get it. I cannnot say you are on the wrong track, but you must be wise and discerning. There is much that is dangerous, but the Lord is interwoven in many places we do not expect. It seems as though you have had a year of a painful, but loving heart. Know that those who love you are right to be concerned, but only you can choose your path. Hopefuly they will counsel you with evident love in their voices. And you must weigh their counsel prayerfully and carefully. You are taking steps I have never taken. May the lord continue to guide you and may he embrace you.
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