a long time.

well my friends, it has been an awful long time since i wrote to you on here. for that, i am sorry. i want to be better about keeping you informed about what is going on in my life, what i'm seeing, learning, experiencing, feeling down here in dc. so much has happened in the last month and a half since i last wrote. i got to share my world here with my lovely family, molly and my parents in separate weekends, and that was really great and affirming. those visits were precious, and in sharing my world here with them, i realized more that this is truly my world, my home here now, and it feels very different than a college visit ever did. sometimes, i feel so overwhelmed with gratitude when i realize that everything i was made to do and be, i can do and be here - at j-house, in my community, in this church community, in this city. i am able to be fully myself in a glorious way here. i am so thankful for that.



i also went on an anti-racism training weekend called damascus road in philadelphia. it was a powerful time of learning and beginning to see the world and my world differently. i'd like to write a whole post on racism sometime, but for now, i'll only say that when i begin to think about and realize how entrenched racism is in the structures and culture of our society, i am overwhelmed. one of my many privileges as a whie person is that i am able to be ignorant, that i don't need to think about racism because it doesn't clearly face me everyday. white people in this country hold the power and privilege at the cost of people of color. our history shows this, our present shows this. how can we change this? how can i be a part of this? this learning is also being enhanced by a class i'm taking with the other j-house volunteers that is taught by david hilfiker, who founded joseph's house. so much good and challenging learning. i continue to see the world with different eyes.



there has been much learning and change at joseph's house in this past month, especially in the past two weeks. we've had a lot of deaths lately, two in particular which were really huge. i continue to mourn for them and process what they taught me. on the other hand, one of the residents who has been there since i got to j-house in august is really improving and has started physical therapy after not walking since last spring. we went to the zoo on wednesday, which was a glorious day, and it was really lovely. we enjoyed the gorillas especially, although she screamed so loud at a rather large python in the reptile house that the whole zoo must have heard. :-) it was a really great time. and we continue to get new residents, with whom i seem to just fall in love so quickly. i know that it is God living inside me that allows me to continue to love over and over again, knowing that i will lose them. but really, i gain so much, i receive a gift with each new resident, and when i allow myself to open to each new gift, i am blessed.



i've also spent some great time with friends this past month and a half. i continue to absolutely love my roommates - the seven of us were so blessed when we were given each other to live with this year (and possibly beyond!). we got to celebrate isa's 25th birthday, sing and play together, splurge and go out for indian food, hang out together in philly. last tuesday night in the rainstorm, two of my roommates came out and played in the rain with me (as did david :-). we ran and splashed in the puddles late at night, and sang at the top of our lungs together. then we bought ice cream cones and sat on a porch swing and laughed. oh, it was glorious. i love the warmer weather and the anticipation of spring and newness. i got to spend last weekend in NYC with one of my best friends, catching up, laughing, just being together. i continue to grow closer and closer with my co-workers at joseph's house, which is also such a blessing. i am also falling in love with an incredible guy, which is great. :-) i am a part of so many beautiful communities and incredible relationships. my heart and life is full of love.



so, after all that, i am tired but blessed. my life is rich, but my heart feels a little bit like it's pulled, stretched, covered in the fingerprints of beautiful people. in our staff meeting yesterday at j-house, we made clay pieces to express how we were feeling. and i, i feel a little bit like i am so busy and so full that i am numb to myself. i haven't been able to cry in a few months now, which is feeling heavy. i feel a little bit distanced from everyone in my life. but i also sense the newness that is coming, anticipating cherry blossoms and blossoms in my own life in the spring time. and i know that through it all, i am not alone. God's grace in my life abounds.