goodbye.

my pops died this morning.

it was so fast, as seems fitting i suppose for him. he would never have put up with any long, drawn out dying process. when i came in a little after 7, he was talking to me, asking me in a hoarse voice to fan his sweaty, cold face. he sat up for a minute, trying to breathe better, then he lay back down. he tried to hold my hand through the sheet, so i took his hand from under the sheet and held it. and then, after a few hard breaths, and some little gasps, he stopped breathing. i couldn't believe it. it seemed unreal. i sat there in shock for what seemed like eternity, before calling for someone else to come in. because he wasn't on hospice, we had to call 911. thankfully, the detectives who came were kind and the EMTs were wise and merciful enough not to pound on his chest and do other horrible things in the name of recussitation. while all that happened, one of my other j-house loves let me lay in bed with her while be both cried, holding hands.

after the police and EMTs left, all of us staff at j-house washed his body gently and dressed him up in his favorite shirt and sweater (it makes him look like a professor, especially with his glasses on). then we just sat there together with him, telling stories, quoting him, laughing and crying. it was good to be together.

it will be so strange for my pops not to be there. i miss him. and i hate AIDS.

but better to have loved and have lost than never to have loved at all. and love him i did.